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60 Minutes

News/Business. Bob Simon, Lara Logan, Byron Pitts. (2013) Disillusionment among nuns in America; Twitter creator Jack Dorsey; a former hit man who says he has found God. New. (CC) (Stereo)

NETWORK
CBS

DURATION
01:00:00

RATING

SCANNED IN
San Francisco, CA, USA

SOURCE
Comcast Cable

TUNER
Channel 109 (705 MHz)

VIDEO CODEC
mpeg2video

AUDIO CODEC
ac3

PIXEL WIDTH
1280

PIXEL HEIGHT
720

TOPIC FREQUENCY

Francis 16, Donna 16, Teddy 10, Franklin 7, Bob 7, Milo 6, Mike 6, Donna Tubbs 5, Lin 5, Gus 4, Tubbs 3, Ernie 3, Frankenstein 3, Latifah 3, Bobby 3, Dennis 3, Amanda 3, Wagner 3, Kingshead Island 3, Linda 3,
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  CBS    60 Minutes    News/Business. Bob Simon, Lara Logan, Byron Pitts.  (2013)  
   Disillusionment among nuns in America; Twitter creator Jack...  

    March 17, 2013
    7:00 - 8:00pm PDT  

7:00pm
that's the best part. shush, shush. i, i don't know. i mean, it's, it's halloween. you know, things can get a little weird out there. oh, just let 'em go, bobby. c'mon. (sighs) fine. you can trick or treat by yourselves this year. (cheering) but you stick to our regular route and i want you home by 9:00. ugh. hooray! you can come to my party. oh, right, great. yay! i want this to be the sugar high i never come down from. (gene screams) okay, bad start. bad start. let's keep moving. all: trick or treat. uh, here's some oyster crackers. now get out of here. all: trick or treat. is it halloween? here, uh, take some deli numbers. you'll be the first in line tomorrow. (knocking) all: trick or treat. some delicious seaweed candy from my solo vacation in singapore. wrap it up, charles dickens. you're not being paid by the word. ♪ i was walking in the graveyard... ♪ bobby. linda. oh! hi, teddy. welcome to my black and orange party.
7:01pm
teddy, you really went all out. i spray-painted everything this morning. yeah, it's uh, a little strong. maybe we should open a window or something. yeah, i would, but they're painted shut. can i offer you a hard-boiled egg? i colored them black and orange with a marker. (high pitched squeak) whoa. whoa. hey. ooh. what was that? ooh. no need to be scared, everybody. just my guinea pig, francis. you can call her frankie. but just don't call her fran. she hates that. what about francy pants? saint francis pants, huh? what's wrong with you? what? hey, you're not wearing a costume, bob. i just didn't think i needed to wear a costume. it's not a kids' party. hey, everybody, we've got (rings bell) a party violation over here. what are you doing? bob is not wearing a costume. mike the mailman's not wearing a costume. mike's a bunny. he's not a bunny. i'm a bunny. you have a cotton ball. he has a cotton ball. on your uniform. it's a great idea. now we're gonna get you to the costume closet. ♪ ba, ba, ba, ba, ba we got some sort of chewbacca. no. the sun. no. summer frankenstein. that's not a thing. and, uh, oh... i think we got a winner here. no, no, no.
7:02pm
there, all better. now, you don't look so ridiculous. i'll trade you two packets of hot sauce for a fortune cookie. throw in some cough drops and you got a deal. sold. this town is horrible at halloween. we're trick or treating by ourselves for the first time ever; we need to get some real candy. follow me. i know where we can go. we're going where the rich people live. rich people are better at halloween. and skin care. that's why we're going to... kingshead island. ooh. ooh. aah, i should have worn more toilet paper. okay, uh, okay i admit it's a little colder than i thought it would be. aah, i don't wanna die. i'm not wearing my good underpants and i'd be so embarrassed. (all sigh) did it just get ten degrees warmer? i think that seagull just winked at me. hello. kingshead island, nice to meet ya. now, let's trick or treat ya.
7:03pm
7:04pm
tina: wow, look how clean it is. i could drink from the puddles. i'm going to.
7:05pm
hey, guys. sweet 'tumes. costumes. edward scissor hands, cool. queen latifah, also cool. finally, somebody gets it. toilet paper roll. nailed it. mummy. hey, i'm milo. i'm ned. whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, is that all candy? yeah, we already dropped one bag off at home. now, we're gonna head down spencer street. that's where all the good houses are. funny coincidence. we were also gonna go down spencer street. well, great. i'm gonna eat like a queen. come on, lin, teddy went to the bathroom. now's our chance. let's sneak out of here. but you look so cute. i wanna spank the cake right out of your face. uh, no. come on. teddy: aah! oh, my god, oh, my god. somebody stepped on francis. oh, my god, oh, my god. she's not breathing. she's not breathing. live, damn it, live. teddy, let me try. i have good lungs. (inhales deeply) (coughing)
7:06pm
somebody do something. mike, do something. what do you want me to do? i'm a mailman. aah, mike's a mailman! oh, god. come on, move those legs, francis. move those legs. oh, i saw it. i saw it move. move those... she's alive. come on. oh, no, she's dead. no, she's dead. somebody stepped on francis. and then did nothing. nothing! teddy, how do you know someone stepped on her? guinea pigs aren't flat, bob. they don't just look like this in the wild. all right, well, uh, we're gonna go. uh, lin, get your stuff. yup, yup, yup. great party. seriously, i hope that, uh, francis comes... is... gets better. oh, no, you don't. what? what? nobody's leaving. the killer is inside this room. no one leaves until i find him or her. sorry i'm late. whoa, who died? (doorbell rings) all: trick or treat. oh, you kids look great. here ya go, one for you. here ya are. oh, africa.
7:07pm
hey, is bill puking in my bidet again? full bars? full bars? full bars! she just gave us full-sized chocolate bars. does she know? oh, my god, was it an accident?! what just happened? how does this not topple your economy? everything i knew to be true just went out the window. the wagners are on vacation in st. bart's. you know what, good for them. those wagners were looking run-down. please, take one. what happens when you take two? aah, it got me. help! oh, wait a minute. nothing happens. i'll take three. thanks, wagner family. have fun at church or whatever st. bart's is. ah, it's got my hand. just kidding. it was funnier when louise did it. ma'am, i'm speaking now. i let you speak. now let me speak. you don't tell me when to call 911.
7:08pm
the police aren't coming. looks like i have to do this investigation myself. teddy, i really don't think anyone at your party purposely killed francis. every man is capable of murder if he's pushed far enough. mm-hmm. even you, bob. you've been stewing in the corner all night. what are you talking about, teddy? you can get a little testy, bob. don't buy him a v-neck t-shirt, whatever you do. he goes berserk. you're not in the clear either, linda. you couldn't share the spotlight with francis, could you? you had to stomp her out. don't accuse me, teddy. you're the spouse. it's always the spouse. passion of m-m-murder passion. teddy, you're going crazy. i mean, you're kind of ruining your own party. or did dennis ruin my party? by killing francis. i didn't kill your freaking rat. maybe you didn't, dennis. but i know you get dirty massages. whoa. and let's not forget about mike the mailman. me? what about me? it's your walk. your menacing walk. slamming your feet all over town. left, right, kill, kill. it's a limp, teddy. you know mike has uneven legs. it's why i wear my special shoes.
7:09pm
don't you mean murder weapons? yeah, you know what? i actually wanna see everyone's potential murder weapons. yeah, shoes in the chip bowl, now. aww, those were good chips. yeah, they were, linda! they were good chips! milo: okay, guys. it's getting pretty late. better get off the streets, huh? we're pushing it a little. uh, don't you think? yeah. what do you mean? we're just getting started. there's a whole other street here full of sugar just waiting to course through our veins. (whispering): hell hunt. (whispering): what does that mean? yeah, why did you just whisper "hell hunt?" you guys don't know about hell hunt? you're not from kingshead island, are you? we come from the mainland: america. every halloween, after all the parents get drunk, the teenagers come out and they go freaking crazy. they ride around town on their bikes, vandalize stuff, and if any little kids are still out, i heard they, uh... i heard they, uh... i heard they, uh... they, uh... say it. i heard they shave your head. i heard they throw balloons full of pee. three years ago my brother's friend stayed out too late
7:10pm
and he came home covered in syrup without any eyebrows. yeah, i don't know about all this. that's a lot of different stories. i like syrup. look, it's not safe. we've got to get indoors. and you guys need to get to the dock. cool tip, milo. come on, guys. let's go get some more candy. huh, what was that? huh? what? did you hear that? no. (teenagers laugh) hell hunt! hide! boy: oh, kids, come out and play. (laughs) (howls) it's helen hunt!
7:11pm
[ kids ] yeah! ok. if you saved enough money, what would you do with it? i would buy an island made out of candy. an island made out of candy? it would be like sand full of sugar. sand full of sugar? the water could be made out of like soda, and when you take a shower it could be made out of like hot fudge. ooooo. what about the animals? what would they be made out of? um, i'm assuming they'd be made out of candy? [ male announcer ] it's not complicated. saving is better. switch to at&t and your family can save up to 100 dollars a month with mobile share. ♪
7:12pm
7:13pm
(laughing) hey, wade boggs, do you like eggs? how do you like these eggs?! ow! i don't like 'em! please don't cry. please don't cry. ah, quick question. does anyone here know how to get back to the ferry? (brakes squeaking) oh, ah, hey, amanda! hey, bryce. what's up? oh, not much. just, uh, hanging out with my... budsies. i remember when i was a sophomore.
7:14pm
hell hunt's so lame. yeah. i mean, it's like... (laughs) grow up, right? i guess it's cool you guys are keeping up the tradition, though. oh, totally. yeah, hell hunt's the best. so are you. (clears throat) what? um, that's your car that you're driving? that's your car that you drive? this guy is dying out there. he just needs to be himself. oh, no. he should pretend to be someone else. what the freak was that? what? i-i thought i heard something. i got 20-20 hearing. anyway, you should cruise by my lacrosse game. no thanks! bye! bye. there's one! geesh! aah! goosh! ow! let's go. where are we? i think it's a country club. it's like a huge miniature golf course. the windmills are gonna be enormous. look. i see a light. maybe that's the docks! (bird squeaks) (crickets chirping) tennis courts? i don't think those kids are playing tennis. or they're playing it very wrong. (squeaking) ah, they all kind of fit. like she got stomped a couple of times.
7:15pm
can i have my shoes back now? i'm the only one here with uneven legs. quit milking that leg, wobbles. whoa, that's not funny,, teddy. it's okay. it's my last name. fine, you can have your left one back! thank you. maybe we should ask francis who killed her? are you mocking me, gretchen? no. i'm a medium, teddy. i can talk to dead animals. mort, your toupee says hi. ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! good joke! she's pretending i wear a toupee. so funny. okay, we're leaving now. maybe i can still catch up with the kids. but gretchen's onto something. (silly vocalizing) lin, she's just drunk. let's go before she asks us for a ride home. bobby! psst. wait! wait! wait! wait! what? what is it? you have fur on the back of your costume, bob. what? and tiny little scratch marks. oh, god! oh, god. i ki... (whispers): ...killed francis. (groans) (squeaking) psst! milo?! i'm so glad you guys are here. they're gonna pee-balloon us any minute now. oh, yeah, we're glad we're here, too.
7:16pm
so, uh, yeah, you know what? oh, this just came to mind. how do you get to the ferry? oh, ah, okay, just follow this road down the hill and turn right at the stop sign. now help us break out of here! lizard: there's kids loose! let's get 'em! run! (laughing) you're in trouble! get it?! louise: yes! you can't outrun number one! louise: yes, we can! (panting) three, please. let's get off this godforsaken island and back to the armpit we call home. i can't wait to be back in my own house, in my own pajamas, in my own dutch oven. so long, island! (screaming in distance) oh, those kids are really getting it. i remember hell hunt. still can't stand the sight of eggs. won't eat 'em, won't touch 'em. what about a nice egg salad? no more egg talk! yes, more egg talk! man: aah. eggs! let's go, gene! tina, come on! but milo and ned are back there, and they need us.
7:17pm
(pained screaming) do they, though? tina, this isn't our fight! do you really want to stay here and get pee-ballooned? yeah. i can pee on myself. i don't need any handouts. listen, this town gave us the best candy we've ever seen. we owe it to them to go back. great. now my candy tastes like guilt! aah! fine! we'll go back and save milo and what's-his-face, but i get to slap gene. that's fair. (yells) aah! i banish you from the land of latifah! between..." "...appearance, and reality." "where things that are broken..." "...become whole again." "i tell people..." "...the best magic doesn't..." "...trick you." "it makes you believe." "believing." "...it..." "matters." "the all-new detachable hp..." "envy x2. all notebook, all tablet..." "...all you need. available at hp.com and these fine retailers."
7:18pm
with google now, it automatically knows when you need to leave for the airport, how much traffic there is, and has your boarding pass ready. the droid razr maxx hd by motorola. droid-smart. droid-powerful. they're coming. yeah. british. later. sorry. ok...four words... scarecrow in the wind... a baboon... monkey? hot stew saturday!? ronny: hey jimmy, how happy are folks who save hundreds of dollars switching to geico? jimmy: happier than paul revere with a cell phone. ronny: why not? anncr: get happy. get geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more.
7:19pm
7:20pm
okay, so all we have to do is sneak up to the tennis courts, take out the guy guarding the gate, fight off four teenagers and free the kids. i zoned out. say that again. we just need some kind of distraction. (tires squeak, phone ringing) i'll be right there. i'm just stopping to get gum and some t-pons. distraction located. all right, who wants the first pee balloon? you? no. you? no. and... send. (phone beeping) (phone beeps on) hell, yeah. i just got a text from amanda. "pool party at the wagner house with me and the girls!" what? that's awesome! ugh. it's kind of cold to go pool hopping.
7:21pm
(phone beeping) "the wagner's pool is not cold." that's weird. okay, let's go! what about hell hunt? are you crazy? these girls are seniors. i heard amanda's got a belly button ring. well, i heard she can tie a cherry stem with her butt! i heard she has to special order her bras! this thing is like a remote control. they'll do whatever i say. tell them to push their butts together. give them french accents. she says hurry. and that we're really cute when we hurry. hey, get all your farts out now before we get there. (whirring) (crickets chirping) help! help! let us out of here! (grunting) help! queen latifah, give me strength! (groaning) (metallic creaking) thanks, guys. oh, oh, thank you. i'm not a big fan of pee, right, ned? well, we've got a boat to catch. hold on. i'm not done with this yet.
7:22pm
these teens messed with the wrong kids-- us. (phone beeping) "sorry we are late. "we are getting our boobs ready. "you boyz go skinny-dipping. c u soon to skinny-dip." all right, let's pop off our pants. there's a lot of carrots in that stew. (whoops) this is awesome! we're skinny-dipping! it's gonna be even better with girls, i bet! okay, let's get to the ferry. this candy's not gonna eat itself. we should steal their clothes and throw them in the ocean. or we could take pictures of them, and then later, we can look at them. that would show them! fine, i'm gonna get started. chocolate, caramel, lollipop, hot sauce. yes! that's it! let's put hot sauce in their underwear! does that even do anything? yeah, if there's one thing a wiener hates, it's hot sauce. i learned that the hard way. mmm. taco on the toilet. why doesn't everybody do this? (screaming) 11 years old and still learning every day. ♪ and that's amazing grace.
7:23pm
who would like to pay tribute to francis? mike? every time i delivered mail to teddy, francis greeted me with a friendly... ♪ wee, wee, wee-wee, wee, boop-doop-doop. ♪ something like that. what do i do? teddy's gonna kill me for killing francis. you got to tell him. a guinea pig. what is it? anyway, i'm dennis. thank you guys. that was beautiful. bob, do you want to say anything? yes. uh, francis was a great animal. she went through her life with such poise... i can't do this. teddy, i killed francis. what?! i-i didn't even know i did it! i couldn't feel her underneath this stupid fat suit that you made me wear! oh. oh. (squeaking) oh! oh, god. damn it. (squeaking) you could have been summer frankenstein. summer frankenstein wasn't good enough for you. i'm really sorry, teddy. she gave me the best 14 years of my life. wait. she was 14 years old?
7:24pm
how long do they usually live? i don't know. three to five years. uh, she was a 154 in guinea pig years. uh, you probably shouldn't have painted her black and orange, man. yeah, she got real dizzy. she kept trying to eat her paw. wait. why would you spray-paint your guinea pig, teddy? for the party, 'cause it went with everything. i know... lin, i know that. but why, teddy, would you do that? it's pretty stupid. i got caught up in the party. okay, bob. we both killed her. fair enough. well, now i can get a ferret. anyway, thanks for coming, everybody. sorry i called you all murderers. if anyone wants me to burn them a copy of this spooky sounds cd, just let me know. they're not coming. i'm getting pruney. let's get out of here. chill out with your dills out, man. don't be lame. i'll call her. (phone ringing through) what the...? (phone ringing) hey! bye! (panting) i should have just taken one! those full bars are weighing me down!
7:25pm
(yells) no! louise? how many pairs of underwear did you hot sauce? only one of them... wore underwear! huh. huh. (yelling) oh, you are dead! my baby! come here! (grunting and groaning) our pee! ew! and so, the hell hunters become... the ones who are being hell-huntered. well put. thanks, guys. mess 'em up! bye, milo. bye, milo's friend. we'll probably come back next halloween. no, we won't! yes! no! ooh. gross. have you guys seen my phone? geesh! uh, actually some kid... ow! i'm getting hit with... ugh, forget it. bye! boy: yes! yes! ooh, so close!
7:26pm
ugh! no fair. i lost all my full bars. you can lick my wrappers. or i can eat your wrappers! nothing will ever replace my baby, but these full bars are coming pretty close. there's my little cavities! yeah, how was your first halloween without me? pretty boring, i bet. uh... um... your father killed a guinea pig! he squashed it with... lin! oh, tell us about that! was it in self-defense? did he disrespect your woman? no. i just... rolled on to him. yay! yay! oh, yeah! here's what happened. mm-hmm. it was a dark and spooky night. i knew it! captioning sponsored by bento box entertainment captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org
7:27pm
(funky disco plays) ♪ my name is cleveland brown ♪ and i am proud to be ♪ right back in my hometown ♪ with my new family ♪ there's old friends and new friends ♪ ♪ and even a bear ♪ through good times and bad times ♪ ♪ it's true love we share ♪ and so i found a place ♪ where everyone will know ♪ my happy mustached face ♪ this is the cleveland show. ♪ (chuckles) uncle sam's black dwarf nephew says, "donna tubbs for school board." "a vote for tubbs is a vote for donna tubbs." here's another 6,000 fliers.
7:28pm
how many do you have left? 6,000. isn't it kind of against your cause to keep us out of school to do this? i don't want to hear your complaints about being tired, poor or yearning to be free. i have waited 16 years for this board seat to open up. there is no position in a small town that gives you more power than the school board. your dreams is small. "are," rallo, "are." a school board member cannot have children who speak ungrammatically. our family must and shall exude sophistication. look what i found: a pancake somebody ran over. (grunting) a vote for tubbs is a vote for donna tubbs. it's a waffle. i found a waffle. cleveland, what did i tell you about putting our best foot forward when i'm running for school board? now, my hands are sticky from the syrup, and as you'll notice, i've broken free from my boxer shorts. can a brother get a tuck?
7:29pm
cleveland, this election is very important to me. i found another waffle. oh, my god! look, just behave yourself. at least until the election's over. but of course. (grunting quietly) if you'll excuse me, i have now broken free in the back. gentlemen, i present to you the hurt locker game. (cheering) okay, that cardboard box over by the dumpster contains a c4-loaded ied plastic explosive. which one of us is going to try to defuse it first? lester? mm-mm. tim? mm-mm. holt? mm-mm. franklin, the 49-year-old bankruptcy lawyer we just started hanging out with this week? hells, yeah, i'll do it. cleveland, you've really made me feel like part of the gang. i look forward to years of misadventures with you. as us also do we. duck for cover!
7:30pm
(over radios): whoa! wow! awesome! holy (bleep)! franklin, that was so cool. better luck next time, buddy. franklin, do you copy? franklin? (holt over radio): big brown, this is muscle milk. over. i think something's wrong with franklin's headset. oh, god. (over radio): guys, it's gus. those hot wings you ordered are ready. hope this isn't a bad time. over. no, gus, you were right to tell us. (sobbing) this would be a good example of what i was talking about when i told you to behave. going to a funeral? causing the funeral by blowing up some guy outside a bar. when did you get so uptight? i'm gonna go sit up front. (sobbing) i'm so sorry for your loss. donna tubbs for school board. (bell ringing) look at y'all.
7:31pm
do i need to find dracula's coffin and remove the stake from his heart to see a decent sit-up around here? (whistles) the utensil that goes both ways. i see you've forgotten your gym clothes for the third time this week. you have surpassed the maximum allowance of 90 gym class absences per semester, and will fail p.e. isn't there anything i can do to save my future? yes, you can receive the credit by signing up for a sport. any sport. celebrity poker? that is no longer offered at this school since david spade impregnated the volleyball team. (grunting) wah. wah. this is as tall as i'm gonna get. so, you think the diving team, huh? well, how would i get up there? would a crane lift me? or does the board lower to get me or... no, you would have to climb the ladder. ehh. but everything else is just falling.
7:32pm
falling on purpose? i'll give it a shot. good work, ernie. hi. cleveland brown, jr. i've got to sign up for some stupid sport. fine. go for it. may god have mercy on the pool. (light grunting) (panting) (laughing) give him a chance. four eyes, full gut. can't lose. (gasping) i haven't seen a tuck that good since silence of the lambs. you're on the team. hooray. my gpa is saved. congratulations, junior. welcome aboard, son. here's your uniform. okay, that'll hold one of my nards. what about the other one? that's your entire uniform.
7:33pm
i knew i shouldn't have eaten all that food. to franklin, who never saw it coming. and apparently never saw hurt locker. all: to franklin. anyway, i told donna i am who i am and i'm going to behave like i am going to behave. is that why you're not at the school board candidates' dinner tonight? candidates' dinner tonight? oh, god, she probably told me about it and i wasn't listening. wait a minute. how do you know about it? i follow donna on twitter. it's a very serious, solemn, unfunny account. that's her. she always retweets medical scares. i got to get to that dinner. gus, a suit. 48 stout. gus: you got it! excuse me. i'm looking for the boring dinner. well, let's see: there's the seminar on pet insurance, the harry's law fan fiction convention and then, worst of all, the school board candidates' dinner. thanks.
7:34pm
and he realized then and there, it was truly harry's law. you never even saw the show, did you? no, but was i close? yes. donna's dinner! emcee: next, please welcome candidate donna tubbs and her husband... just in time. cleveland brown. (gasping): oh, my god. donna's replaced me? or what if that is me up there and i've stepped through a break in the time-space continuum? it's me, future cleveland. i've come to tell you that that's not what happened. she did replace you. aw. ♪ well, i have been quietly ♪ standing in the shade ♪ all of my days ♪ and i've been trying to find
7:35pm
[ male announcer ] a truly unlimited life needs truly unlimited data from sprint. and now, get $100 off samsung galaxy phones at sprint stores and sprint.com. using night-vision goggles to keep an eye on my spicy buffalo wheat thins. who's gonna take your wheat thins? i don't know. an intruder, the dog, bigfoot. could you get the light? [ loud crash ] what is going on?! honey, i was close! it's a yeti! [ male announcer ] must! have! wheat thins!
7:36pm
thank you for coming. my well-behaved husband, cleveland, and i appreciate your support. hi, i'm cleveland. i hope you had a good last weekend, and i hope you have a good weekend this weekend. well, thank you and thank you.
7:37pm
isn't he pleasant? thank you for coming. my well-behaved husband, cleveland, and i appreciate your support. hi, i'm cleveland. nice to meet you. cleveland, is it? what an awesome name! what's going on, donna? i demand an explanation! and some of those small sandwiches! i never got to work my way over there! turkey! if they're out, roast beef! no tuna, obviously! it doesn't travel well! you know what i like! i'm mad at you! fell asleep. i was gonna do a whole "stewing husband sitting in the dark" thing, but the old lids got a little heavy. can we try again? (sighs) (snoring) well, well, well. how was the candidates' dinner? or should you be asking me, since i was the one there with you? cleveland, i'm sorry you had to see that, and that security threw you through your car windshield.
7:38pm
that was from earlier in the evening. i hit a rare eagle on the way to the event. who was that man, donna? that was ebert williams, the man i hired to be my campaign husband. i just can't risk having you embarrass me before the election. so, there it is. go on. no, i'm done now. oh, okay. so, there it is. (sobbing): how could you replace me, donna? how did you? did you clone me? did you use stem cells? what are stem cells? i'm against stem cells. actually, your dad recommended ebert. he's been using him for years. narrator: welcome, freight train and cleveland. you're team number one. please accept this traditional croatian woman as your reward. (chuckling): man, we gonna bust her up. cleveland, i'm sorry if this hurts your feelings, but if i win, i'll be only the 19th black woman to be on the school board. we're talking about history here. but what about my dignity? i want you to break up with your fake husband! (sobbing) and you didn't bring me any sandwiches.
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i did. tuna. no! that's worse than bringing nothing. (high-pitched voice): you didn't listen. ernie, could you please walk faster? nope. osteoporosis. let me tell you something. swim team's had six practices, and you've missed all of them. if you don't want an incomplete, you will be at that meet saturday in your speedo and nothing else. although, you'll want to wear jeans or sweats to the match. but don't wear the same color sweatshirt and sweatpants. it's just... it's just not a good look. okay. bye. (humming) junior, you love them textbooks. it's over, johnny! my academic career is over! i am a fat kid! and i cannot get up in front of the entire school with papa smurf's hat on my ding-dong! i'm not sure you're thinking clearly.
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i've never had more clarity. goodbye, stoolbend high, forever. i'm off to my new life as either a plus-sized hand model or a day laborer, whichever i can find first. good-bye, ernie. (cracking) silly osteoporosis. and i'm only 17. so, cleveland threw a temper tantrum and wants me to fire you. and maybe it's the right thing to do. doesn't matter to me. i clear 12k a year being cleveland for freight train. in fact, he's trying to book me tomorrow so he can read me a bedtime story. on the other hand, the debate is tomorrow, and i just know that cleveland will show up in a pirate hat, making fart noises, wearing a t-shirt that says "master debater." it's gonna cost you either way, donna, because i have a 24-hour cancellation policy, and your insurance will probably only cover half of it. screw it. you're right. i've come too far. this is my time, and the school board is just a steppingstone. before you know it, i'll be the port commissioner,
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then comptroller. and then, that's it. i'm telling cleveland you're not fired. yeah, your last check bounced, donna. so it's cash from here on in. thanks for coming to gustavo's, donna. welcome to the broken stool, donna. sorry, gus. no time for your weirdness. make time! uh... uh... cleveland: donna! oh, power lunching at gustavo's, huh? so did you do it? did you talk to your fake husband? uh, yes. yay! our lives are reset. and i've decided he's gonna stay on as my campaign husband. he projects the kind of clean-cut, responsible, not gonna blow up his friends playing the hurt locker game image i need to get elected. in my defense, we were gonna play human centipede. it's not just the hurt locker game, cleveland. you cause a funeral every week. sometimes real, sometimes fake. you're always wearing dresses. or burkas. and look at yourself. you're not even wearing pants. holt is wearing them as a shirt.
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fits perfect, bro. that's funny, donna. that's a grown little man with his head sticking out of my zipper. why are you not laughing? cleveland, all i'm trying... what's happened to you, donna? when did you turn into such a... this? you don't even laugh at the eátrade baby anymore. you used to be fun! what happened to dynamite donna? remember her? where's dynamite donna? ♪ ♪ i'm peeing! i remember that night. that was the first time i wore robert's pants on my head. (laughs) that's not funny. my lip! the point is, you were awesome, and lately, you're this stick in the mud. because i'm a grownup now, and i'm running for office. well, good luck, 'cause no one's gonna vote for you. people want to vote for someone they can have a beer with, and right now, i don't think anyone in this bar
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would have a beer with you. that's not true. (gasps) you're right. i guess it wouldn't hurt to have just one. to dynamite donna. all: to dynamite donna! (snoring) (cooing) (smacks lips) well, there goes my new year's resolution. blacked out on a tuesday. where in the world is timbear sandiego? (snoring) motor oil and kellie pickler? we must be at the richmond international raceway! the debate's in an hour, and we're four hours from home! uh-oh! we nevanything...to eye on anything. then we discovered new 7up ten. has all the great taste of 7up. but with just ten calories. so now we both get what we want.
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both! you have more room for the... oh yes! both. we couldn't be happier. new 7up ten. great 7up taste. ten calories. get both. also available in these brands. freshly prepared by real cooks. t-5...4... taste why fresh is better. 3... and now for a limited time 2...1... you can try an 8-piece meal, 2 large sides and 4 biscuits all for just $15.99. [ man ] mission accomplished.
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what happened last night? how did we even get here? and where did we get all this money from? ♪ (cheering) donna: i'm peeing! that explains this scraped knee. so we drove to richmond blackout drunk? no, we bugs bunny'd our way in. cleveland, this is hopeless. i'll never make that debate. the election is as good as lost. no, it's not. you just need a stupid, irresponsible gesture. let cleveland be cleveland.
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caution! caution! (tires squealing) (screams) hey, what the heck are you doing, buddy? you could get killed. my wife's running for school board, and there's a debate in an hour. why didn't you say so? nothing is more important to nascar than education. (tires squeal) tony stewart! (whimpers) what's going on over there? we're trying to have a race. this lady's gonna be late for a school board debate. guys, we got a school board emergency. my mom was a member of the school board. her name is tammy. all right, i'll get you there, tubbs. how'd you know my name? i didn't. let's go. i'll get her there faster. oh, you want to race? climb in. both: buckle up. shift to d for drive, and... (tires squealing) wait a minute, with dale and tony gone and the rest of the cars wrecked, i can win this thing just by driving sensibly.
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oh, nuts. well, let's see if i can wrap my fat hands around a hammer. (speaking spanish) i'm kidding, man. grab a hammer and get to work. gracias. this isn't half bad. hot day, man. (high-pitched laughing) (gasps) on, no! really hot day. oh, come on! huh, that kid must have body issues. hey, don't worry. we're in shape because we're so gay. uh-oh. we're out of gas. (tires squealing) where are the six guys? what? i need tires and gas
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and i'm getting loose in the corners. it's self-serve. (groans) all is lost. the hell it is! (tires squealing) go, go, go! aah! so which one of us won? i'll tell you who won: the children of stoolbend because there's nothing more important than a public debate about the issues confronting educators in a shrinking economy. you want to do doughnuts in the parking lot? no, i want to go read a book. of course i want to do doughnuts in the parking lot. (tires squealing, screaming) oh, cleveland, what am i doing? i can't go up there like this. you don't have to because i'm going to do to you what i and cats have been doing for years: a tongue bath. thank you, cleveland. what about you? there's no time, and i have no more saliva. besides, your husband's already up there.
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and i want you to win. oh, cleveland. go! we'll start with opening statements. ms. tubbs? i'm so glad to be here tonight with my... with my... ...husband, cleveland brown. sit down, ebes. that's my husband. (gasping) i got my spit back! (sighs) yes, my husband embarrasses me sometimes, but who's never been embarrassed? if people were scared of being embarrassed, we would have no adam sandler movies or politicians. you think newt gingrich cares that everybody knows he had two failed open marriages? and do you think his current wife cares that everyone knows she's the whore who cheated with a married man while his wife was battling m.s.? no, because it was fun.
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and so is my husband. i'm proud of him. and education can be fun, too. (cheering) miss donna was right. i've got nothing to be embarrassed of. (sighs) and that's my stepson, who never misses a school board meeting. send me the minutes. (cheering) (gasps) (squeaking) (phone rings) yes? it's the results.
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i see. yes, thank you. you lost by four votes. oh, no. but the margin was small enough that it triggered the state's automatic recount provision! there will be a recount! narrator: next week, on the cleveland show... my mama's gonna win. you'll see. you'll all see! i want back in. (gasps) (moaning) thank you. the recount is in. you lost. narrator: pretend you didn't see that last clip and tune in next week to find out what happens on the cleveland show. captioning sponsored by 20th century fox television captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ he estado solo contigo ♪ dentro de mi mente ♪ ♪ hola
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♪ ¿es a mi a quien estás buscando? [ male announcer ] say hola to the new cool ranch doritos locos taco. it's the taco you've been looking for. [ bong ] it♪s the taco you've been looking for. ♪
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(muttering) (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues)
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d'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) mm? a plague is sweeping through springfield. a blue bonnet plague. (chuckles) springfield's ladies are wearing colorful easter hats to celebrate the resurrection of... jesus christ. ♪ i could write a sonnet ♪ about your easter bonnet ♪ and of the girl i'm taking ♪ to the easter parade. whoa. we'd better get this concert started. the giant chocolate bunny's melting. hollow? we paid for solid! chief, the company's named bunny hollow. i thought that was where they lived. look at those delightful children, smithers.
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all those healthy organs, ripe for the harvesting. (strumming glockenspiel) (chuckles) not here, sir. not now. mm. hmm. uh, not sure what i'm expecting to happen here. ♪ here comes flute and piccolos ♪ ♪ what comes next, the horns, horns, horns ♪ (sputtering) (sighs) ♪ the horns, horns, horns (sputtering) blow, you little disappointments! (horns honking) (crowd screaming) (screaming) ah. (panting) (choking)